Sometimes it seems as if there is another soul within me, it sounds silly but some of you may be able to relate if you just read on. There are those moments where you are faced with a decision or need to respond to a question and while you are thinking about it something inside you responded for you. It’s almost like trying to walk forward in a crowd and having the people behind you push you ahead and then pass you by. Sometimes you are hearing this response at the same time as everyone else, and when you hear it you immediately wished you were able to take it back.
This isn’t some lunatic raging havoc on society but sometimes the words are harsh but not harmful, sometimes those in the line of fire get hit by unintentional spits of fury. These are words that are released for you by a force you have been fighting for most of your life. This makes it difficult to rationalize or filter what you meant to say, what shouldn’t or should be said, and what you want to say. Inside you know there is not excuse for your actions because is not the fault of those around you, this is your problem and shouldn’t be their burden.
During this attack your pulse begins to echo, your pressure rises, and you can feel your blood begin to boil. At times you can feel as if another being has thrown itself upon you like a weighted overcoat three sizes too large for you. Then there are those times that makes you have the same sensation as walking through a doorway filled with spider webs. These are the feelings that let you know that you need to find a quiet place and try to overcome the fight that is breaking out.
Sometimes if you listen carefully you can hear the arguing going on in your head, these battles are both sides trying to control your mind. You search effortlessly to find a leash or even a muzzle but it is so dark in there that no such restraints can be easily found. However; with time you can teach these minions to control themselves just enough for you to walk away and avoid any unnecessary casualties. The key is that you need to be able to walk away or at least be left alone to battle your mind, if not those who are pushing you from the outside will certainly feel the battle on the inside.
There are these moments that occur which some people cannot understand. This point where control and logic are lost and your inner voices overwhelm your air space. Fighting this anger will be a lifelong battle that will leave many wounds and bruises along the way. This isn’t some mental disability where a pill, a tight jacket, and a padded room can be provided, although at times it certainly could save a lot of grief. This is a mere anger management problem that is fueled by stress and emotions. What makes this management issue more difficult to bear is the inability to relax or find a state of inner peace.
“Speak no Evil today, just try hard not to speak no evil that will cause harm to those who are standing by. Keep your inner voice inside and think about the words you do say.”
A brief morning prayer to remind you that you need to be conscious about your anger management and that it may unleash itself if you let down your guard. You know this anger may overwhelm you at any given point throughout the day and being ‘sorry‘ doesn’t make things better, you just need to try harder to manage this battle inside of you.