Hidden Fees

I will admit that there are things in life I should have not done, I certainly have never been much of an angel. I have never caused any immediate serious harm to any one nor am I a wanted criminal or ever have been. If that was the case the stories here would probably take a different turn. There are big sins and little sins, all are sins just the same, however; there are really bad things and just bad things which are not the same but still bad. I admit that I have done some bad things, things long since forgotten by all those except for me. I have been forgiven by those involved and I’m sure by God himself, but I still know I have done wrong.

These little bad things are just little and by themselves can be deemed fairly insignificant. Now take a whole lot of these little bad things and doesn’t that make for a pile of bad things you have done? If some one slapped you in the face and apologized for it you may just let it be, you be mad but you would let it pass just because they said “I’m Sorry”. Now what if they slapped you and said “I’m Sorry” then slapped you again and apologized and slapped you again, see the pattern? It’s unlikely that you would let that slide, you certainly would not see them as being very apologetic.

Some may preach that I am being too hard on myself for the little things, or that I am reading into it way too much. The problem is that those people are not who I am answering to, I must deal with my personal guilt and one day face the Almighty himself. The fact that I am too hard on myself because of this guilt makes me a better person. Wouldn’t it be great if everyone used the guilt they hide to make them better in society itself. My philosophy is that if I do enough good things now it might just make up for all the little bad things I did growing up. Not BIG good things like donate a kidney, but little good things mainly just being nice.

Being nice is much harder than you think at times, but the more you force yourself to do it the easier it becomes and sooner or later you find yourself being nice all the time without effort. The key is to do a kind act without asking for anything in return; no money, no recognition, nothing. I always say that maybe they can do me a favor someday or at least help someone else out who needs it, kind of a spin-off of the “pay it forward” principle.  Maybe if I pay enough forward, my guilt will be satisfied.

Here’s the recent problem … I felt I had a foolproof plan to clean up the debt of deeds burdening me and I learn that there are more things that need to be cleaned up and more s that need to be done. One place says don’t do this and give up doing that, another place says you can’t have that and you can’t do that. WHAT THE HELL!!! I am not just starting this life, in fact I am on the final laps or at least passed midway and you are telling me that I need to do MORE! Exactly who is the one telling me what I can or can not do? This is the question that creates so much doubt and begins to test my faith.

Some things now forbidden beyond the initial ten commandments I can understand and agree with, but other things seem completely ridiculous and unnecessary. So now I feel that I am not worthy enough and that at the end of my days I will be locked out because I did not know of all the other rules, sub chapters, and appendices to the Word of God. Frankly it makes me boil inside because it makes me wonder who is laying down the law, Man or God. This frustration clouds my mind and causes me to feel as if I just need to give up because the goal has been lifted so high now that I will never be able to reach it, not even with if I was born again and had another life to do it.

I admit I have done a lot of little bad things in life and that I do not know of all the requirements placed upon this world to make it to the next world. The challenge at hand is to find the courage to continue to being a good person and try to understand what everyone else says is supposed to be the way to grace. I don’t know it I will make it to the next place but I will say this, I had a rough start but I did some good things along the way.