I haven’t really shared much this month, not that there isn’t much on my mind … actually, it is all the crap that is on my mind that is creating this … “writer’s block”. I am desperately trying to sort through the clutter in my head and the more I clear out the more I reveal. There is a whole lot of changes taking place and I feel that these changes will be significant and a push towards the final moments. Yet there are pieces of me that are resistant and others that are quite reluctant to any changes or even modification. At times it feels like a standoff between my will power and my weaknesses. My will power repeats the chant “you got this, you can do it, keep pushing forward” while my weaknesses are so tempting it is as if you are dying of thirst and all you hear is the echoing of water dripping out of a leaky faucet.
This battle inside has begun to become physical in a sense for I have this feeling of saturation…
the state or process that occurs when no more of something can be absorbed, combined with, or added.
Well that definition certainly fits, it actually puts me in a whole new perspective. Initially I thought of “saturation” as the feeling one experiences when they have been crying for an extended period of time… they feel as if they are saturated, like a soaking wet sponge. But in the process of just adding an actual definition to this post I have defined for myself what I am truly feeling. I am saturated, I have so taken in so much pain, worry, and sorrow that I am at that state where no more can possibly be absorbed, combined with, or added to. I just can’t take any more! I try diligently to make room for all these feelings and I filter out what is not important and what I feel I can live without yet the powers that haunts me just keep filling those spaces with more than I feel I can handle. Don’t they know, can’t these beings see that I am saturated. I am waterlogged!!! I feel as if I have been crying for days yet I only shed a few tears when I am alone in the shadows of my life because my pride won’t even let me cry by myself.
“The Lord will never put you in a situation that you can not handle”
Handle? Not to spite the Lord himself but what exactly is the definition of “Handle”? Well … Lets see …
- feel or manipulate with the hands
- manage (a situation or problem)
the part by which a thing is held, carried, or controlled
Here’s an interesting definition found at one of those dictionary sites: “a means of understanding or controlling <can’t quite get a handle on things>”
I feel as if my life is being manipulated by multiple hands at which I am struggling to manage this situation or problem at which my soul is being held, carried, and even controlled by those whom are manipulating me. I am at that point at which I have very little means of understanding or controlling what is going on … I am quite certain that I can’t quite get a handle on things.
I have faith, I hope that everything will work out and I have faith that the Lord will provide what is needed. I hope that in the end I will succeed or at least the Lord will provide me with a warm, dry, and safe spot to place my blanket and cardboard box. These struggles are the means at which we become stronger, sometimes both physically and mentally as well as spiritually. Sometimes I wonder how strong I am expected to become and why it feels as if I just walked in late to a Marine boot camp with a drill sergeant that has control issues and wasn’t hugged enough as a child.
I often think of elevators … most of the time people approach them as an easy way to go to the upper levels without becoming tired and weary from climbing all the flights of stairs. You enter the elevator and at times there may already be people in there and you just find an open spot to stand while the elevator takes you to your destination. with each floor more and more people enter. At first you politely allow them to fill the spaces around you but as the cart climbs and more people pile in your space begins to shrink and others start to lean on you. Soon the next floors bring more in need for what little space is left and the leaning begins to feel like pushing and you are strong and can push back. Unfortunately there are many more floors to travel pass with many more who want to take your space and they just keep entering the cart and pushing and shoving so much so that when the doors close there is very little air to breath.
You are exhausted and are on the brink of asphyxiation and there is this point when a voice inside you tells you to look at the capacity warning which you have become aware that this cart is certainly beyond that at which it is designed to handle and you have no more strength to push the forces back let alone make a leap for the exit and even if you could there is so many entering they would only push you back in. What happens if the elevator cart exceeds its capacity limits, is there truly a danger of the brakes giving way or the cable braking causing the cart to plummet to what lies far below? Initially all we wanted to do was find an easy way up and there is so much pressure that keeps pushing against you with each level you reach that you now fear that your final destination may just be where you started or maybe even further below that.
I feel as if my life is being manipulated to the point at which I have no means to understand or control. I am saturated; I cannot absorb any more pressure. Lord, …I am waterlogged, saturated, and my fears have made me weak. Please give me the strength to endure to the end so that I can know that what didn’t kill me made me stronger.