Mindful Chaos

There is a massive amount of things going through my mind right now! So much so that I am having a terrible time trying to put things down in this blog, in fact I have several unfinished drafts right now and I can’t seem to find the pattern or direction so I can end them. It is almost as if they are all blending together because by time I get through one thought two or three more infect my mind. Or worse, I figure out what I want to share and poof! it’s gone just as I begin to type. Really makes me want to put some not so pleasant words down. You must understand that I use this blog to clear my head, to take out all the chaos in my mind and put them somewhere else so I can begin to think straight again.

No, I am not one that needs to be committed; I assure you that for the most part I am (mostly) sane. I just suffer the same thing that most people do and that is a complicated and relentless life; and I will tell you that mine seems normal to many others.

 …………………………………………………………………………… see there? It went blank again and then tried to go off topic. It seems to happen a lot and boy does it tear me up. I need to get this feeling off my chest but the others are making it difficult for me. I feel so sorrowful and I can’t seem to shake it. I don’t even know why or even if I should know why. It is as if my soul itself is crying and won’t tell me what is wrong.

I have been trying to fight off many different things in my life and they all seem to come from several different directions. I am trying to start a business and as that goes; let’s just say stress is a word that needs to be redefined. I moved a thousand miles away from my family and friends in hopes that I could make a good run at this so they could join me someday. I have fallen into loneliness and depression, doubt and anger, and worse of all despair. In trying to re-evaluate my life and what the end of it will look like, I have decided that I do not wish to live the rest of my life in strife and conflict, not becoming a monk so stay focused. I did turn to the church and felt it was important to make myself right with God. Imagine living a careless life and then after all those years deciding that maybe you shouldn’t do that anymore. No more evils of this world, no more getting in trouble or getting angry. But imagine having to admit that what you did was wrong and then say I’m sorry

………………………………………………………………………………

There’s so much noise and chaos that I can’t seem to think straight. I don’t know if I am coming or going. I leave and must return because I couldn’t figure out where I was headed. There is something eating at me deep within my soul and I cannot figure it out. I feel so saturated and sad as if my soul itself is crying. I have tried so hard to put down my thoughts but I keep coming up with unfinished post. I have tried to cry but my eyes will not shed any tears. There’s something wrong but I don’t know if it is physical or spiritual. It is almost as if my soul is mourning a loss but won’t tell me who.

In my younger years, I would just self-medicate with liquid courage and storm around until someone crossed my path and rubbed me the wrong way. The alcohol and the anger would easily mask the sadness I felt. I have grown considerably since then and do not wish to take out my feelings on anyone else. I am not very proud of my younger self and those scars run deep within and remind me of my stupidity on a regular basis. What I fear now is that maybe this is what depression feels like and I am worried that I will fall deep into a pit that I cannot climb out of by myself. Moreover, I am worried that when I fall I will take others with me and the ones who don’t will just walk away……………………………………..

I just need to clear my mind …. it creating confusion and doubt. My soul is in pain and I can’t think straight to figure out why. It as if my soul has fallen into a swap full of leaches and thousands of them are trying to latch on and it bleeds a little as it tries desperately to pull them off. The distraction going on in my mind is making it difficult for me to help as I struggle to see and end up sitting by as my soul cries out. God … give me the wisdom to see …the power to fight back… and the strength to endure. Please, please hear my cries for I can’t fight back these tears much longer. Please Lord … help me make them leave me alone.

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