As a kid, I never really had the chance to have an actual “sit down” with my dad, sure we had the “you can talk to me” moment once when I was 14 or 15, but I wasn’t ready to have any discussions and I’m certain he wasn’t ready to listen. He had returned briefly to my life after many years of being away so in some ways I was still a 7-year-old in parts of his mind, just with a body and issues of a teenager. It wasn’t entirely his fault so please don’t start passing judgement on him because life became complicated for all of us. We just couldn’t get our timing right. When I was finally courageous enough to ask the tough questions and in search for the meaning of life; he was dying. We were both adults at that time and I was man enough and he was more than willing to listen and share but the ticking of the clock was so loud that it was difficult to determine which one of the 30 years’ worth of questions was most important. We both knew our time was limited, he didn’t want me to see him wither away and I didn’t want to waste the last minutes of life with him asking questions that may have been difficult for him to answer.
So, I never had the chance to have that man to man talk, but I’m certain that there has been some point in our lives when we have wanted to have a few minutes to talk to our parents as adults so they will be able to honestly answer why things were the way they were. Growing up they always seemed to protect us by not exactly giving us all the information we wanted. It was their job to give us the information we needed when we could use it. Some of society’s problems today can be traced back to some parents giving their children too much information too early in life. It is so important to know when certain information needs to be given and whether the child or adult is able to understand and use that information. Imagine being able to say “mom, dad … I feel I am ready to know why things were the way they were and why things are the way they are.” and have them agree and you all sit down and discuss life. Imagine the benefits of understanding why they did what they did and knowing that they honestly told you everything because you in fact were ready. Well, when the information starts free-flowing I surely hope you are as ready as you think you are.
Recently I was having lunch with some friends and something like this was brought up. I had talked about how I would like to have the chance to be able to sit down with God and ask him why things were the way they were, why things happened the way they did, and most certainly how many times did I truly mess up. It’s really not that outlandish or ridiculous because there will certainly be plenty of time to do so seeing how it will be for eternity and all. Certainly some of you will say that I can talk to him now through prayer but that wouldn’t be the same it has to be face to face. Do you think a child asking his father through the mail why a divorce has to happen is the same as sitting down and actually discussing it? I would like to just sit down and have a dialog with God and gain some actual understanding of life.
I am certain that it may be much like trying to get into visit the President of the United States or even the Queen of England, except there will be less security seeing how there would not be any threats of assassinations. Surely, I will have to wait in line for longer than expected but to have that opportunity would make it worthwhile. We will be in Heaven where there will be perfect weather and no evils and only good kind-hearted souls all standing in line to wait our turn to talk to God.
This isn’t a new idea of mine, in fact I have pondered on this for quite a while, except at first I was in a different mood when I wanted to talk to God. I had a period of my life where I was angry with him and I felt that life was just too unfair. I was mad because I had tried to life a good life and bad things still happened and I couldn’t understand. I prayed and prayed and no one ever answered me. I lost several people in my life and some like my dad I had already lost once and just barely found back in my life just to have him taken away again. To lose a parent once is very hard, to lose them again is unbearable and I wanted answers. I wanted to sit down with God and ask him why there was a need for cancer. Why it was necessary to allow so much crime and infest our children with drugs and hatred? Why little children and babies had to suffer? And why good people had to die when the bad evil people get to live? Like for instance, why when a drunk driver drives head on into another vehicle killing the innocent family yet the drunk crawls out with only a few bruises and scratches, and then later gets caught drinking and driving again?
I was so angry for many years because I didn’t understand and I was willing to sit at the table with God and risk being exiled from heaven just to be able to speak my mind. My anger carried with me and began to dictate my thoughts and actions. This anger festered and built up and was actually going to make it so I would have never had the chance to talk to God face to face. It wasn’t until this past spring when I came to realize how wrong I was and that it wasn’t God’s fault. Satan had filled my heart and mind with so much deception and hatred that I blamed God for all of it and Satan and his minions made it so when I did pray I couldn’t hear any responses. At the time when I was so filled with anger I thought “how great it will be to be able give him a piece of my mind!” What I learned was that I didn’t need to give a piece of my mind, I needed to find peace in my mind.
My life is still complicated, however; I am more able to see the good and the bad voices now and I have spent many hours asking God to forgive me for being such an idiot. I know he has helped me in many ways and he has sent me many people to help guide me and listen to me. It’s strange when I have something on my mind and I feel that God isn’t answering me yet some special person will stop by and provide me with a different view or point me in the direction to find the answer. It is also strange when someone tells you something and you can’t help but wonder where they got those words.
I feel I have a better chance to reach the kingdoms of Heaven now, Satan is still trying to work me over but I have so much less hate within me now. I look forward to have the chance to sit down and just ask why. I envision that we all will have that day of “judgement” where our lives will be reviewed, but why must we think that such an event will be a one-way discussion. There will be a whole lot of souls up there and the line may be very long, I suggest that we all make the most of this “judgement” time and take advantage of the time God allows us to have with him. I know that even today I regret not being able to talk to my father because I know that I really could have benefited by having some of the answers to the questions about life that I still carry with me today. I won’t let that happen again, if I get a chance to ask God why then I certainly hope I am strong enough to do so.
Something to ponder about, that’s all.