A few days ago, I received a notification from WordPress, the site that host my thoughts saying:
Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com!
You registered on WordPress.com one year ago.
Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging.
Its seems hard to believe it’s been more than a year since I started using this forum to clear my head. I know that sometimes they are just words, but many times those word connect to feelings. A year ago, when it was suggested that I share my thoughts I figured why not see what happens. I felt that if I could get the thoughts out of my mind it might help me think about where I am headed rather than what’s holding me back. Plus, maybe by sharing my thoughts it will somehow help or at least relate to someone else.
I have never been much on sharing any of my feelings or personal thoughts, especially in the open view of the public, or even worse; on the wide world of the web. As the years progressed I began to see how holding them deep within my mind and heart began to affect my everyday life. I saw if I held something in that was bothering me I would be short-tempered and easily frustrated in both work and at home. Likewise, if I hid some sorrow or pain deep within my vaults I would have a difficult time seeing the blessings of each day and others would see my depression and try to intervene and that would lead to frustration because I was trying so hard to hide my feelings and no one would leave me alone. That’s where the “IM FINE!” response would turn depression into aggravation and then I would have to bury that too.
This “blog” is rather small and at times insignificant as compared to others, but that’s fine because it is more for me than it is for others. I am blessed a little more inside when I learn that something I shared helped someone else. It’s kind of like a two for one deal, or sometimes a one leading to many situations. There isn’t a whole lot of feedback and that is also fine because it prevents this sharing thing from getting to my head. That keeps my post as genuine as possible and limits the need to post something just because it is time to. There are days when I just have nothing to share, sometimes it is because I am trying to deal with whatever is going on and other times it is because I just have nothing to share. It’s fascinating really, to have started with so much clutter in your mind that you can’t function to find a way to relieve that and reach a point where there are days that your mind can just focus on that day without any voices telling you otherwise.
I admit having others react to your thoughts can be flattering and certainly can build up a sense of pride. As much as that can change the situation and make one “puffed up” enough to build up too much confidence, it is far better than the deep droomy abyss of sorrow and depression. It isn’t as if I hear a roar of applause when I finish a post, nor do I hear endless “dings” of acceptance. I do experience this sensation when I finish writing that is much like walking out of a lake after being submerged in the depth of the lake itself. It’s not exactly exhausting such as exercising at the gym or even swimming across that lake, but imaging walking into the lake until you are into the water up to your waist or even your chest and then slowly sinking into the depth until all the sounds of life are muffled. Then stand back up and breathe a fresh breath of air and walk out of the lake as all the lake pulls off your skin and the sun begins to dry you off. Taking some emotion or difficult thought that is pestering you and removing it from your safe deep dark vault and placing it here for others to see is much like that. Well maybe not as vivid as some of you may imagine but it is kind of like that.
At times, it is as if when I put the thought on this screen they cannot escape it. They are here locked in this screen forever. That allows me to walk away from those thoughts and the next time I see them I am a reader much like you instead of the creator. That allows me to see my own thought from a different perspective. The ability to go back and read what I wrote provides me with the unique opportunity to know both the feelings that led to putting the thoughts on this white screen as well as the feelings I receive from reading how I felt when I share them. This reflection allows for progress unlike the retrogression that occurs when I hold these thoughts and feelings deep within.
There is also this reassurance that I must be helping someone else. I hope by sharing my thoughts someone out there, one of you maybe, will relate and possibly feel that they are not alone. Maybe they will see how putting those demons that haunt our mind out and locking them into this forum can help us break away from their grasp and prevent us from falling further into the depths of depression. Maybe they too will find a way out. This feeling is not like saving a life, it isn’t that bold, however; it is much like stopping and throwing a handful of pocket change and dollar bills into the cup hoping that it will help a little. That small contribution will not take the homeless from the street into to the warmth of their own home, but maybe it will buy them something warm to eat and make them feel just a little better. Maybe that little gesture will give them enough light to see some hope because with a little hope comes a little joy.
One year … one year and I have posted … well this will be 85 times. That’s not too bad for someone who has been known not to share his thoughts and most definitely not his feelings. I have expanded beyond WordPress, mainly because some people had a difficult time finding my thoughts. I linked this Blog with a Facebook page and I also repost them on Blogger. Over the past year I have had 330 visitors to this WordPress page and overall 1453 views combined between WordPress and Blogger. Certainly that may seem small to all you pros out there, but to know that these thoughts that I used to hide within myself has been looked at close to 1500 times is encouraging. I don’t have a whole lot of followers and that’s fine because part of me attempting to share these thoughts is to help myself and just possibly help someone else.
In the end, I suppose I started this very line of thought because of the notification that it’s been one year since I first shared a thought on this forum. I am thankful for the technology to be able to escape the grasp of the very thoughts holding me down. I am thankful that others actually take time to read these words, and I am thankful that maybe it helps more than just me. So one year and 1453 views isn’t so bad when you think that at one time it was only me looking at my thoughts.
In closing of this line of thinking, if you too are holding tight to your thoughts and you know they are holding you back. Try writing them down, create a blog and put them there. You would be surprised of how much it helps you. At times, I think of this blog like a mason jar. When we were kids we used to catch fireflies and put them in a mason jar so they couldn’t get out. I see this very much like that as far as I can place these thoughts that often haunt me here and they cannot escape but I can look at them without them bothering me as much anymore. Holding them in only keeps you thinking about them.
Okay … I have a day to live so here is my Thanks to One year.